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Sex is a little intimidating. Whether you're a total dynamo or a bit reserved, every single one of us stresses over screwing something up. We don't want to make our partner feel inadequate, we don't want to say the wrong thing, we don't want to be needy. This creates a rather charged situation.
Instead of freaking yourself out, which will definitely not lead to more orgasms, always avoid saying these things during sex. Well, you can say pretty much anything-it's more about how you frame it. Is anything straightforward when it comes to sex? Not really.
So, make sure to avoid these five verbal booby traps for better, hotter sex. You've got this, champ.
1. Talking about a sex thing you don't actually want your partner to do
OK, so this may sound a little bit tricky, but it actually is not that complicated. When you're in the heat of the moment, talking dirty to your partner, don't tell him or her to do something to your body that you don't want to have done to your body. For example, if you like the sound of something like putting a finger in your butt, but don't want them to go ahead and try that right now, maybe don't mention it during sex. Talk about it later if you want!
When you're dirty talking via text, phone, or some other form of non-interpersonal communication, you can discuss these turn-ons as a sex scene. Dirty talk is a fantasy; you may say things that you don't actually mean. The key is avoiding them during real life sexual acts. Why? Because your partner may misinterpret a dirty fantasy for something you want him or her to physically do. This can get weird, fast.
Now, if you DO want them to stick that finger in your rear-go for it! More power to you.
2. Household chores you forgot to do (and other annoying BS)
Things you should say during sex: "Your insert slang for penis is so big, you're so wet, I'm so wet, that feels amazing" etc.
Things you should not say: "Did I feed the dog? Did you do the dishes?" etc.
Dr. Kat Van Kirk tells Brides that when it comes to bedroom banter, it's best to avoid discussing the piles of laundry stacking up outside the bedroom door. "Avoid mundane discussions about the kids or to-do lists," she says. "Your private, sexy time should be a sanctuary from all of that." Stick to the right script, she says, by staying present. "If you focus on the moment and sensations, you are less likely to get distracted by other thoughts," Van Kirk explains. "Plus, the more present and positive you can keep your verbalizations, the better it will be for you and your partner."
There is a time and a place for chatting about household chores, but perhaps it is not when your partner is inside of you or with his or her head between your legs. Ya know?
3. Pretending something is working when it isn't working
Do not fake orgasms and do not pretend something feels good if it doesn't. If you partner is wildly thrusting away, ignoring your clitoris, and gyrating on top of you, don't fake moan and say, "Yeah, that feels amazing!" It does not feel amazing.
Obviously bruising an ego is not ideal. We want to keep bedroom talk light and affirmative. Instead of saying, "This isn't working," go for, "Hey, babe. Can you rub my clit while you're doing that. You're so sexy." Make your partner feel good about his or herself while getting what you want out of the situation. If you set up a set of standards wherein your partner thinks you like a bunch of stuff you don't like, you're going to find yourself miserable in bed. In the end, you're responsible for your own orgasm. Make it happen.
4. Something rude about how your partner looks
Always remind your partner how hot he or she is. We all need to hear it.
The bedroom is a great place to let him or her know she is sexy AF and you are INTO IT. On that note, don't be critical of how they look. It's rude and it certainly will not make him or her continue to have sex with you.
"Don't be critical of the way your lover looks. Saying such things can not only be a buzz-kill, but can be hurtful to your partner," says Van Kirk. Your partner is a hot POA. Focus on all the aspects of his or her body that turn you on. In the same vein, don't allow your partner to say disparaging things about the way you look either. This is very unhealthy and does not make for a simmering sex life.
5. Negative relationship issues
Having open and honest conversations with your partner about everything that is upsetting you is a crucial component of a happy marriage. Communication is key.
Another crucial component is knowing when you have these discussions. During sex? Maybe not the best time to tell your partner you're insecure about his or her work-wife friendship. Maybe this isn't the ideal moment to tell him or her that you've been feeling emotionally neglected lately. These are important topics, just not for right now.
Respect the time you have in the bedroom. Infuse these moments with love and intimacy. "Allow the time to be sacred," Van Kirk says.
Gigi Engle is a sex educator and writer living in Chicago. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @GigiEngle.